Whatever You Like

Hello and Happy May!

I hope each of you are doing well. I can’t believe we’re in the 5^th month of the year already! Boy, this year is flying by. Spring is in full effect and I’m sure kids are eager to say goodbye to another the school year, parents maybe not so much. ????

This month I want to discuss how loving people and pleasing them are two totally different things. Unfortunately, I have plenty of experience with people pleasing. It started in childhood and extended well into my mid 40’s and I’m still susceptible to falling back into that trap if I’m not careful.

Today we’re going to learn what people pleasing is, where it originates from, how it shows up in our lives and what we can do to change it.  You ready?

Scriptural Reference: 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  (Galatians 1:10 NIV)

Are you familiar with the 1988 film “Coming to America?” If not, it’s a romantic comedy with an all-star cast … two of the lead actors are Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall who brilliantly play several different roles in this movie. Coming to America depicts the life of a royal family in Zamunda (an imaginary location in Africa) and Eddie Murphy’s main character is Prince Hakeem who is in search of his bride. The movie centers around Prince Hakeem traveling to America in undercover boss style to find a wife. But prior to taking the trip, his father plays matchmaker and introduces him to a woman whom he feels would be the perfect match.  This non-stop hilarious movie has a beautiful fairy tale ending. If you haven’t seen Coming to America, do yourself a favor and check it out, prepare to laugh and laugh some more. 

There is one character in this movie that I want to highlight because I believe she’s a good example of what people pleasing looks like. The character is Imani Izzi who is played by Vanessa Bell Calloway. Although she had a small role in the film, it was a very powerful depiction of self-abandonment all in the name of pleasing someone else. She was presented to Prince Hakeem as a potential bride. She walks in the room wearing this beautiful custom gown and her appearance was nothing short of captivating. In an attempt to get to know her, Prince Hakeem asked her a series of questions about her herself. He asked her, what she preferred, what she liked and disliked. No matter the question, her response would always be “whatever you like.” She wanted to make sure that he knew her sole purpose was to please him. Therefore, she gave him free reign to decide what her answers should be.  Out of curiosity and to test her boundaries, he asked her to bark like a dog, hop on one leg and mimic the sound of an orangutan. And without any hesitation she gladly complied. Needless to say, all of her efforts to please him were in vain. He was totally unimpressed by her lack of identity and inability to think for herself. He dismissed her from the room and sadly, she was still in people pleasing mode as she left hoping on one leg and barking like a dog. 

Although that scenario may sound like an extreme example of people pleasing, there are people every single day who go throughout life with a “whatever you like” mentality. Boundaries and limits rarely exist when you’re a people pleaser.

So, what is people pleasing? (Definition taken from scienceofpeople.com)

A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from themselves. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem.

 My personal definition of a people pleaser is: someone who will do anything for anybody at any time in exchange for acceptance, love or affirmation while totally disregarding God and themselves. People pleasers say no to God and themselves and yes to everybody else.

Where does people pleasing come from?

Now this is just my opinion but I feel it’s typically rooted in the need to be seen, valued, heard, accepted and loved. All of these needs are valid and should be automatically given to us as children by our parents, but unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t happen that way. And when it doesn’t, the child will end up rejecting themselves because they feel flawed or unworthy. As children, we don’t have the emotional maturity to understand that those needs can be met from within. So, we resort to performing or becoming who we think our parents, family, friends or others want us to be…we want them to see us, to let us know we matter. 

I’ve found in my years of people pleasing that either a person can’t give you what they don’t have, or they withhold it from you because they enjoy seeing the pain that the unmet need causes you. Regardless of the reason, it deepens the void within us so we amplify the behavior of people pleasing. That’s why we can’t take cues of how to love ourselves from broken people. 

Here’s the harsh reality about people pleasing: 

It’s dangerous, it’s idolatry and it’s sinful. God clearly tells us in… Exodus 20:3 “You shall have no other gods before me.” 

Therefore, if we’re putting our total reliance in people to affirm and validate us, then they’ve become our idol. Again, dangerous territory. 

What does people pleasing look like?

I want to pose some questions, please ponder them carefully and see if any of these traits describe you. 

Do you view yourself through the lens of your trauma, rejection or abandonment? 

Does your worth come from within or do you believe hurtful words that were spoken over you or about you? 

Do you often neglect to care for your spiritual, mental and physical wellbeing all in the name of serving others?

Are you afraid to speak up because you don’t want to rock the boat? You never want people to be mad at you because being liked is your barometer for feeling good about yourself? 

Do you go along just to get along? Do you say yes when you really want to say no? And even if you say no, do you let guilt talk you into saying yes?

When you’re doing something for someone else is that the only time you feel important or special?

Do you live for compliments or attention from people but can’t celebrate yourself?

Do you enjoy your own company or does it take someone else being around you to brighten your mood? And once they’re gone, you’re sad and depressed again?

Are you always apologizing and seeking to “makeup” for things you haven’t done?

Do you accept blame or make excuses for the toxic behavior of others?

If someone disapproves of your decision, do you change it to suit them? Do you allow people to dictate what you should do?

I hope these questions got you to thinking because people pleasing can be disguised as putting others before ourselves, being a servant, or just an overall “good person”, when in all actuality it’s a mask we wear to cover up our low self-esteem. When you don’t feel good about you, you tend to look outside yourself for confirmation of your worth. 

People pleasers also tend to overshare, over give and overextend themselves in order to compensate for a lack of identity. They’re laser focused when it comes to pleasing someone, as that’s all they see. It becomes an addiction because they’re constantly thinking of ways to get a person’s attention or be in their space. All of their thoughts and actions are directed towards getting their self-esteem “high or fix” from another person so they can feel good about themselves. Sadly, they settle for the crumbs of someone else’s validation, never realizing that what they’re missing can only be found within! 

Being in people pleasing mode, makes you feel like you can never do enough or be enough. So, you perform and if you don’t think it was to their liking, you perform some more. And the people we’re trying to please will always set the bar higher each time for what it takes to please them. They will never be satisfied nor will you. People pleasers will even attempt to satisfy someone who has ridiculed, humiliated or rejected them. 

Now for the good part.. ????

What is the remedy/antidote for people pleasing?

First and foremost, you have to admit that you are a people pleaser. If you can’t be honest with yourself then nothing else that I’m about to say will even matter.

So, honesty is the first step. Next you want to identify how this behavior specifically shows up in your life. We all have different people pleasing traits so knowing yours is key. You also have to take some time, dig deep and find out where people pleasing started for you. For many of us, it was in childhood, the result of abandonment from our mother or father and being rejected by those who should have loved us. Maybe you wanted to fit in or be a part of the “in crowd” at school or in your neighborhood.  It could have also stemmed from feeling like you were the forgotten one and everyone received attention but you. Only you know where it originated for you but digging up the root of people pleasing is required in order to process and overcome it. So, once you know your specific traits of people pleasing, tell God exactly what they are and ask for His forgiveness. Repentance is required so that the process of inner healing can begin.  As the saying goes, we can’t fix what we won’t face.

If people pleasing is what you’re accustomed to, meaning it’s your default, and you’ve been that way for a very long time, it will take effort and hard work on your part to reframe your thinking and discover the real you! But take it from me, it’s one of the best investments you could ever make.

I am also a huge proponent of Christian therapy. When there’s a lot to unpack and it seems so overwhelming that you don’t know where to begin, therapy can provide a safe place to share your heart and process the emotions that surface with what you uncover.  I encourage you to consider therapy as well. 

So, now you’re given the task of unlearning an unhealthy and ungodly habit. The process may feel daunting and impossible but it’s not as difficult as you may think. You simply need to shift your focus to ONE person and He will help you with the rest. 

Many of us are Christians but have no clue who we are apart from our titles, careers or relationships! We have never taken the time to find our identity in Christ! When we accept Christ, our spirit man is saved but we still have a soul and body to contend with.  Our sinful ways prior to receiving salvation won’t disappear like magic. We can’t say abracadabra or presto and expect to never sin again. Speaking in tongues to get rid of our sins won’t work either, these things have to be worked out of us, people pleasing included.  

Just like salvation can’t be found in another, neither can our identity.  We can only find out who we really are through our relationship with Christ. In my opinion, there are no exceptions because we can’t detach ourselves from the Creator, our manufacturer if you will, and expect to fully understand or even know who we are! 

When it comes to our identity, no other person should be part of that equation. It should be you and God alone. Let God tell you who you are, believe Him and don’t solicit input or confirmation from anyone else. 

I am in no way saying that we don’t need each other because we absolutely do, but we need to surround ourselves with people who are working towards wholeness just like we are and are not in our lives to take advantage of our brokenness.

In conclusion…

Let me seal the deal for you. Contrary to popular belief, you have already been accepted, you are seen, you are valued and you are unconditionally loved. Pause for a moment and LET THAT SINK IN.

God knew that disappointment, heartbreak and rejection would come our way…unfortunately sooner than later for some of us. That’s why He took great care in creating you, knowing you and loving you even before you were conceived. Yes, it’s wonderful when our family, friends and people in general love and value us but it’s not something we should rely on nor should our world fall apart when it doesn’t happen.  Hence, learning self-acceptance and having our confidence anchored in God is super important.

God never told us to please anyone. He told us to love them and sometimes people you love still may not be pleased, but don’t let that be your concern. 

People that benefited from you pleasing them won’t be too happy when you stop. They may say you’re acting funny or that you’ve changed. They will try to guilt trip you, gaslight you, or make you feel responsible for what’s happening in their life. Even worse, there may be a smear campaign. Nevertheless, don’t let their actions sway you to cave in, or revert back to your old ways…rather hold your head high and maintain your freedom. You’ve worked hard for it!

So, let’s stick with pleasing God, loving others as we love ourselves and we’ll be just fine. 

In Matthew 22:37 NLT, Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with ALL your heart, ALL your soul, and ALL your mind.’ 

So that clearly tells us that ALL of our being should be used to love God. I pray you’re convinced by now that the only person we should have a “whatever you like” posture towards is God. He is the ONLY One who requires that we please Him and He rewards us for it too! 

Pleasing God frees you but pleasing man restricts and binds you. You deserve wholeness and happiness, so go after it with all you have…do the work to unveil the real you!

The same tenacity and dedication that we gave to pleasing people, let’s go even harder in our pursuit to please God. Let’s become a God-pleaser! After all, it’s HIS well done that we should be focused on anyway.

Your affirmation for this month (say to yourself daily): My identity is found in Christ and Him alone. The love, validation and acceptance that I need is found within me. I will not make anyone an idol in my life, rather I will love people and reserve all the pleasing for God. 

 

Please feel free to leave a comment if this blog resonates with you. I would love to hear your thoughts and will be sure to reply too! 

Thanks for coming back again this month and hanging out with me. I love it when you do! I’ll see you in June! 

Journal and Greeting Card Giveaway: The first 10 people to leave a comment will receive a copy of my Party of ONE journal and a Party of ONE greeting card so that you can pay it forward. You will be contacted via email if you are one of the winners. You must reside in the USA.

 

You are celebrated and appreciated my fellow Party of ONE!

 

God’s best always, 

 

Leslie

Scriptures to Ponder

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe. (Proverbs 29:25)

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. (Romans 13:8)

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” (Psalm 139:13-15)

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. (1 Peter 2:9)

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:5)

“Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life.” (Isaiah 43:4)

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)